Episode 1

6:41 AM

Throughout my walk with Christ, surrendering my longing for a guy/relationship/marriage has been one of the greatest struggles of my life. This is undoubtedly why I am so passionate about Biblical "undistracted devotion" as stated in 1 Corinthians 7. Because I know what it feels like to struggle and surrender and then cling again to my soulish desires. Throughout the years, I have had many 'lightbulb moments' in realizing that my soul was wanting what it wanted---not the spirit pursuing the Spirit of God. Each time, I've heard the voice of God calling me, drawing me, demanding my complete consecration. In the moments of my weakness, the Lord has made His strength real to me. When I am alone and content, there is grace. It is the power of Christ in me and nothing else.

Here is a little glimpse into my past journals through these struggles, weaknesses and victories:

I am content
Just to hear the sound of your breath
On the other side of the phone line
I am content
Just to hear you talk
About anything, anything at all
While I laugh and quietly delight in
Every voice tone and inflection,
I think you're completely unaware
Of the effect of you just being there
Then I think...
Maybe it's wrong
Maybe it's deadly
Maybe somehow
This has made me sickly
Maybe the cords of addiction
Are binding me ever slowly
Maybe dreams of your affection
Have consumed me totally.
But it seems good
And it seems right
Since when did I begin
Walking by my sight?
Where is the fine line
Between longing and obsession?
Why is this so undefined
I'm left to my own guessing.
I hunger after righteousness
And seek the things of God.
But why must you be in my path
And not alongside?
You're so striking

In your innocence
While I am struggling,
Trying to make sense of this...

This is Episode 1... Stay tuned for the resolution! :)

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