I recently read a blog entry from the Boundless blog that challenged me.
It asked the question,
"What if I'm doing everything "right" and still nothing works?"

And so, I considered my life.. my story:
I did everything right.
I kept myself pure.
I didn't date casually---which meant, because there was no one that I seriously considered--I didn't date at all.
For 28 years of life.

I had deep friendships.
I had interests.
I had possibilities.
I had heartbreak.
I had overwhelming, heart-wrenching pain.
I had dreams that came to the point of "almost" and then disappeared in the blink of an eye.
I had months of not understanding.
I had days of being content and days of wondering if I had missed it. Somehow missed God's plan for me.
I stayed obedient.
I served Christ wholeheartedly in my quiet little church without a marriageable man in sight.
I focused on family, ministry, house, friends, hobbies.
I wrote sad poetry sometimes.
I watched sad movies sometimes.
I journalled incessantly and prayed constantly... consecration prayers.
I vacationed in a tropical paradise.. alone. and stood before the ocean, considering my life and saying "Lord, take all that is within me."

When nothing worked, I kept going.. serving... obeying.. waiting...

And then. Several months ago,
it finally worked.
The curtains were pulled aside, the darkness subsided and I could finally see... that God had been working the whole time. That His plans, though so far above me that I couldn't comprehend them at the time, His plans were perfect. His plans were preparing me for right now. And preparing this man. That I'm dating. That I love. That I am going to marry.

We look back at our lives and the paths that we have taken. All that seemed endlessly painful in our hearts, all these things drew us to Christ and prepared us for one another.

Not that love and marriage is the end-all, catch-all... but I firmly believe that God will work all things together for GOOD to them that love Him. This is His promise!

Love Jesus. Keep on loving Jesus. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Take some good advice, but don't let it make you paranoid. If you're being obedient to Christ in every aspect of your life, don't get stuck second-guessing what more that you could do.

Marriage is not the reward.
Heaven is the reward.

And God's taking care of you, even when you can't see it.

The end draweth nigh, and here it is! We’ve talked about sooo many topics relating to Singleness. Things like Trust, Idolatry, Purity, Friendship, Distraction, etc. I’ve racked my brain to think of the many struggles and victories that I’ve had, and tried to write about them all. I hope that you (whether married or single) have found encouragement, exhortation and edification through this series. I pray that God’s Word is a seed that is received into the good soil of your heart and that it will bear spiritual fruit in your life. Now let's close this with a bang!

Last topic, but not the least… let’s talk about the most important part: Knowing God!

“More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…”
Philippians 3:8

Being victorious in this season of singleness comes down to one thing: your relationship with God. Letting Him speak to you and you speaking with Him. Growing, learning, maturing, listening, serving, obeying. It’s all about knowing God. If you get this right, you get it all right! This is the secret. The good news. The magic pill (being facetious). Just know God.

But you might be still stuck on the Singleness topic. Still wondering—how do I get from singleness to marriage? And I answer again, focus on knowing God. My pastor said recently, “Too many are looking for leading, without looking for the Shepherd.” If you know the voice of the Shepherd, you won’t be able to miss His will for your life! When the enemy brings thoughts of doubt and questions to my mind, such as, "What if you would've done this? Gone here? Done that? Where would you be now? What if you missed God?", I always go back to the fact that I had been with God, praying, reading His Word, doing His work, seeking His will. And I am trusting His voice in my daily decisions, so I can't miss Him in the big decisious.

We could sum up with one simple phrase:
“Pray and Obey.”
Daily, hourly, and throughout our lives. We must seek to know Christ, and obey His voice. Through this, we will honor Him in every season of life-including singleness.


If you have any thoughts, questions or comments on this series, please leave a comment! I welcome your feedback. :) And it's always good to hear that people are reading!

We are nearing the end of the long, very extended series on Singleness. I didn't realize that it has been over a month since the beginning of this series. This is partially because singleness is a such a multi-faceted topic, and partly because I don't blog as a full-time job. Thank goodness.

It's important to keep marriage and singleness in the right perspective. While these things seem ALL-CONSUMING to the single person, life is not all about marriage. Life is all about God. When our eyes are turned to always seeking a relationship or romance or marriage or fulfillment from people, disappointment is unavoidable! We (especially the ladies) start think the our ultimate fulfillment comes from marriage. The white horse/my prince/typical chick flick storyline fantasy is just that---a fantasy. The story doesn't end at marriage. As Christians, our blessed hope is found in the coming of Christ! We should always looking up--looking forward to His return. While there is nothing wrong with looking forward to another season of our lives, we cannot elevate marriage above its proper place. Marriage is GOOD. It's God's will for many of us. Marriage will come in God's proper timing. However, it is not our ultimate goal in life! If we think that way, life after the honeymoon is gonna be quite devoid of purpose... Not God's intention at all.

Another danger to our perspective is the tendency to believe that marriage a reward for the really spiritual people!... Sounds so strange when I write this out in black-and-white. Sometimes, we start to believe that God is trying to teach us something by withholding marriage. Newsflash: Sinners get married all the time! Non-spiritual people get married all the time! Baby Christians get married all the time! Mature Christians get married all the time! Marriage is not a prize for when we do a certain number of good works. Or attain some spiritual level. Actually, in 1 Corinthians 7, marriage is suggested if you don't have self-control. Because you know, it's better to marry than to burn! Hmmmm. :) My point is, again, don't elevate marriage above its proper place. If you are wholeheartedly seeking God--not marriage--He will lead you in the times and seasons of your life. Probably to marriage. It will be for His glory alone!

Musings on Singleness: Friendship with Married People

My warning to you! About married people, please don’t kick ‘em to the curb just as soon as they say their vows. You need them!!

If we neglect to pursue friendship with married couples, we have missed an OVERWHELMING blessing of the Body of Christ in action. Remember, the Body is many different parts working together. If I am isolated into a group of people that look like me, act like me, have the same problems as me, where is the edification in that?

However, if I am continually in contact with people who may have been in my situation before and have moved onto another, I can be blessed in so many ways. Several years ago, I was an assistant in a small campus group. We would have weekly planning meetings at the home of a young married couple, the small group leaders. I can’t tell you how many nights we sat there and we segued from ministry planning to stories about their lives. I must have heard their love story ten or twenty times and it still never fails to fascinate me. I listened to the way they met, and grew in friendship, fell in love, prayed for wisdom, individually fought God’s will, or surrendered to God’s will, kept the faith and finally got married, and are still serving the Lord together. I watched them raising children together. And ministering to college students together. Obviously, at that time, I wasn’t even close to marriage. But the testimony of God’s faithfulness was revealed in the life story of my friends. And I would have missed so much by limiting myself to relationships with only people that are a carbon copy of myself!

Sometimes, there are challenges. Every friendship goes through seasons of change. My best friend (and sister) used to be in the same season as me. We lived together, worked together, went to Bible college together and even were in ministry together. And then, her season of life changed. I am single. Now she is married. I work full-time. And she works full-time in the home, taking care of two wonderful little girls… It was quite a drastic adjustment for our friendship. The friendship looks different than it did 7 years ago, but the foundation remains the same. We don’t go out for ice cream or midnight Walmart runs together anymore. But we do talk on the phone daily, and still discuss important issues. Now we schedule things a lot farther in advance, and I always assume that little children are coming along. I understand that email probably isn’t gonna happen. And that I can’t call during naptime. And that Friday nights are “date night” with her husband. I understand that I just dropped a few spaces in the priority list. But I have never ceased to feel loved and cherished as a friend, by the changing season. It’s no lie—we do spend LESS time together, but it is the right amount of time for this season.

Friendship is about recognizing God’s will for each other’s lives and striving to help Him attain it with us. Friendship is about growth and change and yes, differences. Without the rough edges of sandpaper, nothing would become quite so silky-smooth. It is our different working parts within the Body of Christ, and our love for one another, that makes us beautiful. And makes us fruitful in the kingdom of God.

Some great things about friendships with married couples:
-Observing a functional marriage (rare in this day of rising divorce rates).
-Learning about Biblical gender roles in action.
-Getting two different perspectives at one time! Like joint wisdom!
-And then.. there's the ever-elusive matchmaking that is inevitable when happily-married couples are anywhere in the vicinity. :)

To sum up: Value your friendships with married couples in the Body of Christ. There is much to be gained in these changing seasons.

Why do I always choose to talk about the tough subjects? Yet here I am again. Tackling a concept that I would rather not… We are going to talk about appropriate and edifying friendship with other singles. Personally, I love to gather with groups of other single Christian young people. If, for no other reason, than to observe the romantic undercurrents going on within the group. (I know, I know. What a twisted sense of humor I have!). No matter what method of the pursuit of marriage that you prefer: dating, courting, non-dating, etc., it usually begins friendship. And this is where the line of appropriateness in relationships gets easily blurred.

Some of this is my personal opinion, and speculation from what I have seen and learned throughout my life so far. The Bible doesn’t give specific rules of conduct between single ladies and men, so we will attempt to apply relevant principles.

1. Be Pure (in all Contact)
“Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity.”
1 Timothy 5:1-2

My little brother (who is pretty grown-up now, at the amazing age of 19) is very affectionate to his sisters. And we’re cool with that. Because he is our brother, and we love him, and a nice brother who is openly affectionate should be commended!! My brother wraps his arms around me, plays with my hair and tickles me—totally cool. Hilarious and adorable. A guy friend, a brother in Christ, tries to do that to me—NOT cool! Because we are talking electricity! Currents of something running through my veins! Maybe he is clueless. Maybe it’s pure and innocent. Maybe it is unintentional.

You see, people have used the concept of spiritual brother/sisterhood to justify inappropriate physical contact between the genders. There is a one glaring difference between acceptable affection between *real* brothers & sisters and acceptable conduct between unmarrieds in the Body of Christ. The difference is: the inciting of passion.

“Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.”
1 Corinthians 7:1
Don’t get me wrong, people—I don’t believe that it’s evil to tap someone’s arm to get their attention! But I don’t think Paul is referring to that kind of touching. Touch, in this context, insinuates touching that kindles or ignites passion.

A friend told me this funny story a few years ago. He walked up to a girl at church and just laid his arms on her shoulder. He was just being relaxed and friendly. Yet she jumped back and said, “Don’t touch me! I’m not yours!!!” She interpreted his actions as possessive, when he had no right to possess her body. And I give the girl props for speaking so clearly. (Her phrase became quite the byline in the youth group for awhile. So much that I had to run interference and warn the girls to speak in love and kindness!). “You are bought with a price; therefore, glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:20. I’m exhorting you ladies, guard that body of yours! It’s beautiful and naturally attractive. This is all the more reason to be holy (set apart) in body and spirit! (according to 1 Corinthians 7:34).

2. Consider Appropriate Conversation
For singles - I believe there are some subjects that are absolutely inappropriate to discuss between the genders. Mostly relating to sexual things. But also, I believe your primary spiritual accountability should be to a person of the same gender. It is foolish to bear your soul without restraint to someone of the opposite gender. This encourages an emotional intimacy and dependency that is unhealthy outside of the marriage covenant.

3. Have No Regrets
The fact of the matter is… there’s a 99.9999% chance that you are not going to marry this guy. Okay, maybe my statistics are faulty. I am trying to prove a point. Just because a guy is nice and Christian and happens to run in your circle of friends or go to your church or whatever, that doesn’t mean that he is going to marry YOU! Wisdom is operating under the assumption that he is going to marry someone else. And treating him that way. So in the end, when he stands on his wedding day with another Godly young woman at his side, you can honestly and wholeheartedly rejoice. With no regrets.

I’ve been blessed with some great friendships with Godly young men in my life. Had deep and sometimes long conversations. Talked about life, ministry, personal quirks, funny stories, relationships, marriage, and many other things. Encouraged, edified, laughed, wondered, smiled, rejoiced, commiserated, bantered, teased, spoken honestly and received another’s perspective. And there have been weddings. And probably will be many more weddings, until all of my friends are married off. :)

By the grace of God, I have no regrets. Nothing to be ashamed of. No guilt over my words or actions, because I have treated these young men as my brothers. The friendship remained pure in intention and execution, so I could rejoice with them on their days of rejoicing.

As a side note: “No regrets” doesn’t mean that the friendship stays the same. Marriage brings change, whether we like it or not. Practically, there are time constraints. And some changes are necessary, such as making allowances for safety. I know a woman who, when required to email a married man for whatever reason (ministry, etc.), always sends a carbon copy to his wife. Good for her! I have used the same concept at times to guard myself. We must avoid even the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22).

4. Live in the Light
“… God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another…”
1 John 1:5-7

Practical Application: Never speak anything, write anything or express anything that you would be ashamed to let your parents know. (to those of you without Godly parents, never do anything that you’d be ashamed to let MY parents know! Just kidding! Actually, consider the wisdom of your spiritual leadership). Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Especially since I’m a 26-year-old, independent woman, living in my own house. The American within me cries out against submission to leadership. But the Christian within me (or rather, the Christ within me) humbly admits my need for oversight. I have a healthy sense of fear when it comes to guy/girl friendships. So much that if I have the slightest doubt about the appropriateness of my action, I check with my parents. I welcome their oversight and willingly volunteer information. Remember, if something has to be hidden, it’s probably sin.

To sum up, I believe it is entirely possible to have great, pure and edifying friendships with single members of the opposite sex. We must be seek wisdom and exercise caution, so that God is glorified in our friendships.

Musings on Singleness: Service

Throughout this series, I have been posing many questions to reveal the state of our hearts. Let us have a little change of direction. It’s never a good idea to look too much at self. We run the risk of becoming “navel-gazers.” Heart examination is good; self-obsession is not.

Now let’s turn our attention to the right actions commanded by Scripture for this season of singleness. It is impossible to divorce our actions from our hearts. The heart is the source/reason/motivation for every action.

Singles are notoriously self-absorbed. Because ya know, we only have to worry about ourselves--our lives, our money, our business, our time, our pleasure, our relaxation, our tiredness, our hobbies, our interests... I will stop now. Let me repeat my youth group's mantra, "It's not about me! (it's all about God)." When our hearts are turned from constant speculation about our own selves, we can focus on doing God’s work! Good deeds! Serving the Master!

Young men are commanded to “be an example of good deeds.” Titus 2:7. I think we can reasonably apply that Scripture to all of us single people. There’s no excuse for laziness while we are single. In the absence of family responsibilities, we ought to be “careful to engage in good deeds,” Titus 3:8. Our focus is should be turned from serving ourselves, to serving others by doing good deeds. “And let our people also learn to engage in good deeds to meet pressing needs, that they may not be unfruitful.” Titus 3:14. If there are needs in the Body, it is our responsibility to meet those needs. And that is considered spiritual fruit!

As people possessed by God, our passion is doing good deeds! Even being zealous for them, according to Titus 3:14.

Good deeds. Works. Serving others. These things are not just church volunteer work! Nor is it relegated to anything church-building-related. Service is serving people. In many different capacities.

As a single person and a necessary part of the Body of Christ, now is the time to consider what part good deeds have had in your life. Have you made yourself available to help people? By moving? Babysitting? Helping with home improvement projects? Caring for someone who is sick? There are endless possibilities to what can be done to serve one another.

“So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.”
Galatians 6:10

Musings on Singleness: Loneliness

There was an interview given by Nicole Kidman, a famous actress (and no, I don’t recommend her movies) about her response to winning an Oscar. Surprisingly, at the pinnacle of her career and as the whole world recognized her accomplishments in film, Ms. Kidman did not feel happiness—rather, she felt loneliness. She said, “It felt big. It felt lonely and big. You’re in a hotel and you’re like, okay well, I’m sitting in this big suite with an Oscar, and I still don’t have a life. What is wrong with me?”

Movie stars, the larger-than-life characters and the normal people. We are all the same. We all possess an innate desire for companionship. And affection. And relationship. We don’t simply want to live our lives—we want to share our lives with others.

Being alone. Solitary. Single. It is a scary thing. To face life, in all its mountaintops and valleys, alone is a daunting task. When life hands you a victory, it’s tough to have no one to call but your mom. When life hands you a defeat, it’s difficult to be alone. To cry alone. To pray alone. To stand in faith alone. To just. be. alone.

You know the verse, “One may put a thousand to flight, and two, ten thousand.” When the married folks are encouraged, us singles are feeling kinda gypped. Only a thousand running away? I NEED those ten thousand running today!

Do I sound depressed? Sad? Discouraged?

I would rather say honest. The Christian life is not always happy. It is not always fun. Have you read the book of Psalms? Have you looked past the normal religious phrases and really felt the heart-rending cries of those writers?

“Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me. My heart is appalled within me.”
Psalm 143:4

“… For I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses.”
Psalm 25:16-17

One great theme of Psalms is deliverance! There is honesty in the songs, and there is worship and there is praise for the Deliverer. Jesus is the Word. His Word always points to Him and what He has done/is doing for us. I may fully recognize the negative feelings (and know that the Bible validates their existence), but I also know that the Lord has provided deliverance from a seemingly futile loneliness. If you are alone, it is for God’s purpose—as painful and harsh as that may sound.

Often, a season of solitude is God’s means of preparing us for ministry. Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness—alone, for the most part. And God spoke to him and commissioned him to do a work of deliverance. Paul spent years out in Arabia, Damascus, Syria and Cilicia, after his conversion, yet still unknown to the church. Jesus walked 40 days in temptation by the devil, with no one to uphold Him except the Father. He spent three years in the company of his disciples, who were friends and yet did not fully grasp the magnitude of His purpose, the weight of His burden or the complexity of His existence. Jesus had to set Himself apart from them for even entire nights spent in prayer alone.

Loneliness forces us to examine ourselves. After stripping away all the other voices screaming for attention and clearing the massive quantities of information, we are left to ourselves. Lonely. And suddenly, the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit resonates in our soul. Often exposing the hidden areas, the painful areas, the sinful areas. The darkened corners of our hearts, the long-ignored character flaws, the “acceptable” sins, the correct actions without the right heart motives…

What to do in this solitary season?
Embrace loneliness. Welcome loneliness as an opportunity to lift your eyes to Jesus. Meet loneliness as a way for you to be sifted and tried and tested. “For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.” Psalm 66:10… A method for the Lord to make us pure, blameless and spotless before Him. He is clearing away other voices so you can clearly hear His voice in a lonely and deserted place. How convenient. See, sometimes loneliness is a good thing after all.

Musings on Singleness: Distraction

Distraction. It's happened to all of us. We'll be walking along, happily engrossed in life and ministry, doing well in the things of God, serving in the kingdom... and then *BAM* someone appears. And all of the sudden, feelings are going crazy. Birds begin to sing. We see fireworks and smell roses and everything seems a bit fuzzy and fantastic! :)

Why does this happen? Beats me! Even the Proverbs.. in all their wisdom.. could not understand the mystery of ‘the way of a man with a maid.’ (Proverbs 30:18-19) All I know is that attraction happens. Let me be clear: Attraction is not evil! Without it, I highly doubt anybody would be getting married...

A good friend once told me, "There's nothing wrong with noticing Jesus in someone." If you are attracted to someone's spirituality, it's okay! Heck--being attracted to someone physically and intellectually, etc. is okay, too. However, when attraction becomes distraction, there is a problem.

The Word gives a pretty clear idea of what a single person’s life should look like.

“But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord… And the woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit;… And this I say for your benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly, and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 7: 32-35

How do we know that we have become distracted?
When our focus on Christ is lost.
When our concern is for pleasing a person, rather than the things of the Lord.
When our love for Christ or my devotion to the ministry of the kingdom has lessened.
When we find soulish sustenance from any other thing than obedience to God.
When we forgot that our JOB, especially as singles according to 1 Corinthians 7, is to do the work of God.

How do we deal with distraction?
Refocus on God, not self (me).
We used to have a phrase in youth small groups that was the standard answer for every. single. discussion question. The leader would ask, “How are you going to apply this certain principle to your life?” Inevitably, someone would reply, “Read more, pray more!” It became the all-encompassing answer to every question. This annoyed the group leaders to no end, yet it is true in a basic Christian way. When we are faced with struggles—even of the romantic attraction variety—the first place we need to run for is the prayer closet. The first counsel we should seek is the Word of God. Too many times, we sense feelings changing in our hearts or are presented with some amazing person and our instant inclination is to pick up the phone & spill our hearts to the BFF. Not wise, my friends, not wise. A human will never give the wisdom, peace, discernment and strength needed to deal with crazy human feelings.

Getting on our knees about an attraction keeps it from becoming distraction.
Getting before the Lord keeps our perspective eternal, rather than temporal.
Getting out the Word keeps our hearts set on the spiritual, rather than the carnal.

Don’t take my point and twist it to say that I am rejecting Godly counsel or the wisdom of parents/pastors/mature spiritual friends. May it never be! God has ordained and set people in your life to speak words of wisdom. However, HE is the first and best place you should run.

The fact is--before anyone even gets to marriage, there has to be 'noticing' someone/interest and then attraction and then Godly pursuit in God's timing. There is a right and good way to go about marriage. Attraction provides the motivation to seek after marriage. So you could say--depending on the situation--attraction is used by God. Hmmm, revolutionary concept.

Marriage should not hinder our pursuit of God, but rather multiply it to greater depths. Singleness should also be an unhindered pursuit of God.
Distraction can be avoided, if we continually resolve to set our hearts on the Lord and seek His wisdom in all we say and do.

Musings on Singleness: Satisfaction

Shepherd Jesus
Are You my satisfaction?
I shall not be in want.
My sustenance.
Are You my restoration?
I shall not stray the path.

Lead me in the good paths,
Your paths
Of righteousness.
Even when I walk in darkness
I follow
Your nearness.

Fear flees from me
I am overwhelmed in peace
Your comfort.
Your shelter.

The question we are anxiously avoiding is this: “What if the Lord doesn’t want me to get married? Like EVER?!!” Honesty requires us to say, “I don’t think I could handle that!” Trust me, sometimes I feel the same way! The truth is, if God called you for that, He would also grace you for that. Supernatural ability would be abundant in your life.

But I think this painful question brings a more important question to light. The depths of our hearts are exposed. And our loyalties are brought into the light. We should ask ourselves the question, “Can I be satisfied in only Jesus forever?”

When I’ve asked myself the ultimate question of satisfaction, I remember Psalm 23:1. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.” There are no exceptions to that verse. No outs. No “unless-I’m-single-and-therefore-alone-and-in-need-and-in-want-of-companionship.” Nope! In Jesus, I am and should be completely satisfied!

Ask yourself—
Am I completely satisfied in Jesus?
Do I find my greatest joy and highest pleasure in His presence?

“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.
Psalm 73:28

“As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness: I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake.”
Psalm 17:15

Musings on Singleness: Purity

I find it slightly humorous that the Bible tells young people to be an “example of the believers” in purity according to 1 Timothy 4:12. In a time of our lives when hormones are running wild and some religious sects find it acceptable for young people to “sow their wild oats,” God’s standard is set higher!

With that in mind, we should take our pursuit of purity very seriously. 2 Timothy 2:22 says to “Flee youthful lusts.” Flee means literally to run away! If you have somehow found yourself placed in a situation that would compromise your purity, do not stay and talk about it—run away! That is the honorable and strong thing to do. Joseph did it in Genesis 39, even running so fast that he left his coat behind. Now there was a man intent on pleasing God!

You ought to set standards for yourself, to guard your heart and mind from sexual lust. Maintaining purity takes preparation and strength to walk away from un-edifying situations. People have taken some extreme measures to keep their minds and hearts clean. I know unmarried women who can't and won't watch chick flicks, because it inspires jealousy and feelings that make contentment difficult. Personally, I tend to cover my eyes or look away during kissing scenes. I know---so immature! lol But I figure, if I can't kiss anyone, I don't wanna watch anyone else kissing. I don’t think kissing scenes are necessarily evil. But sometimes, I just can’t handle it.

Everyone is different, so I’m not going to tell you where the line is. However, I do believe there are some Scriptural principles that can be applied generally.

I've said this before and I say it again. It is NEVER right to watch anyone take part in sexual activities. It seems harsh written in black-and-white English, but this seems to be easily justified in the media-driven morally bankrupt world that we live in these days. I'm not just talking about pornography!! (though that is evil!!) I'm talking about those scenes of undressing and implied sex in PG-13 movies. I'm talking about prime-time television that includes endless sexual references and again, undressing and implied sex. The justification comment that I always hear is "But you don't actually SEE anything!" Does that really matter? Your mind is already led astray by the implication. Your heart has already been led into lust. Why split hairs about it?

Or, another justification, "but it's between married people!" Let me try to be tactfully blunt here. It would be sinful to invade any married couple's bedroom and watch them have sex. Watching it on a television is no different. Not only is the marriage bed to be kept pure, I believe it should be guarded. Marriage is a covenant between God and that man & woman. No one else gets involved.

While we're talking about purity in mind, we might as well talk about reading materials. For sure, we should avoid any "porneia" or sexually themed materials. For girls, there are alot of temptations in this area because the world equates romance with sex. This includes popular novels, like The Notebook, even many so-called "Christian" romance novels are waaaay too impure for me, and also trashy "lifestyle" magazines like Cosmopolitan or Redbook, etc. These magazines are often of the soft-core pornography variety, talking about how to have sex and why to have sex and many many things that are NOT edifying to someone trying to live as an example in purity.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers, God will judge.”
Hebrews 13:4

It seems that the endless barrage of sexual material that is leveled against us in this world. Even unknowingly, it cheapens our view of sex. And in turn, it cheapens our view of God’s holy institution of marriage.

"Keep the marriage bed pure" starts during singleness. It begins with the mind ( for as a man thinks in his heart, so is he) and ends with the actions. Do whatever is necessary to keep yourself pure. Even run away! :) Now that is honorable.

Musings on Singleness: Contentment

Contentment is the attitude that should be associated with waiting.

Often we singles (especially the ladies) see the rosy, beautiful, chick-flick version of romance and are longing for it. The world is constantly pushing romance and relationships and that perfect kiss at the end of the chick flick, etc. We all should be familiar with this concept after the Valentines’ Day overkill!While I remain a romantic at heart, I can honestly say that romance is not the answer to all life’s problems. It is not really the desperate, all-consuming need of your heart.

The truth is… your deepest longing is for fellowship with God. Sin has separated us from Him. We need to reconciled to the Father through the finished work of Christ on the cross. And no romance is gonna do that work. The hole in your heart… is not for “The One” or your soulmate or anything of that nature. That’s a lie of the enemy!

Let’s say that you are a Christian, walking in fellowship with Jesus. And you see Godly marriages around us and it inspires a longing for the same. Like I said before, the desire for marriage is God-given! It’s not evil or sinful or any such thing! 1 Corinthians 7 states clearly that if man marries, he is not in sin.

The only danger lies within our hearts. Discontentment can rear its ugly head. And while the Lord may have destined us for marriage in the future, the danger is that we may become too busy longing for that season to be of any use in the kingdom of God now.

“But godliness is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment.”
1 Timothy 6:6

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.”
Philippians 4:11

Throughout Scripture, contentment is spoken of most often in the context of money. And that is certainly something we must be content about. I think the principle can also extend to our attitudes in the situations we are in relationally. Constantly looking forward to another season can be as great a hindrance as constantly looking back.

“But Jesus said to him, ‘No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:62

Fit means usable, useful, or of any value. If we are putting our hands to the plow and then looking away, we will become useless in the kingdom of God! Contentment guards our head, our eyes, our focus and keeps us looking at eternal things. There is great gain in contentment during this season of singleness. Great gain for us spiritually, but more importantly, great gain for the kingdom of God.

Musings on Singleness: Waiting

If trust is the biggest issue for singles, waiting comes as a close second. I’ve been singing and humming and otherwise, listening to this song repeatedly (in my head, since I don’t have the album) in the last few weeks. You may recognize it from the montage during Fireproof the Movie. The lyrics speak to me deeply.

While I’m Waiting by John Waller
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord…

I’m trying so hard to strike the right chord with this series. Because I feel like I’ve gone through every one of these struggles and temptations. I have assumed that I knew the will of God—and was wrong. I have cried myself to sleep at night. I have bowed my knees in prayer, struggling with consecration, giving my dreams up to the Lord and then fighting the same battle yet another week. I have looked at happily married couples and wondered when and if and how this will ever happen to me. I have filled journals with the Scriptures of promise, and my “tortured poetry” (slightly tongue-in-cheek). I have been weak and been strong. I have been foolish and I have been wise. I have silenced my feelings and I have been led by my feelings. These struggles are near to my heart. And yet there is hope for us in this season of waiting. There is always a sunrise to look forward to—even in the darkest night. This isn’t just about recognizing the tough times, but seeing those times through the light of Scripture.

Waiting is recognizing that God’s timing is different than our own. And being patient in the journey. Over and over again, I’ve been in prayer over some hope for marriage and 1 Corinthians 13 is impressed on my heart… but only one phrase, “Love is patient.”

A key verse in this season of waiting:

“And let us not lose heart in doing good,
for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.”
Galatians 6:9

The enemy will come to attack our perspective and steal our perseverance. But when the time seems long and the journey seems difficult, this is when we must press on! In due time—in the Lord’s perfectly ordained season—we will reap. So just as the Word commands, let us keep doing good and serving and worshipping while we are waiting. Like Esther, we have been put in this world for such a time as this! Don't waste your waiting! Be busy doing the work of the kingdom! :)

Sometimes singles don’t have much to trust God with. Or not much in the natural anyway. We don’t have families or a ton of responsibility or houses (well, some of us), so when we talk about trusting God with everything, it may seem a little stilted.

Yet trust is the BIGGEST issue to deal with during the season of singleness.

Why? Because this is about trusting God with the unknown journey of my entire life! I may not have a husband to give to Him for guarding—but right now, I’m giving any possibility of having a husband. I may not have children to entrust to Him—but right now, I’m entrusting whether I’m going to have children. I may not have a home of permanence—but right now, I’m entrusting any physical stability in this life to Him. I may not have twenty years in a career or, for that matter, twenty years spent keeping a home—but right now, I’m entrusting the entire course of my life to Him. This is about consecration, lordship, giving all. This is putting my Isaac on the altar and lifting my hand to kill. It is trusting God with every part of my life—known or unknown.

One of the most quoted verse on trust is Proverbs 3:5-6.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart…”
According to Strong’s Concordance (my authority, since I am not a Hebrew scholar), trust means to trust, be confident or sure; be secure, careless, put confidence, (make to) hope, (put, make to) trust. Trust is me throwing all my confidence in God. Not myself. It is me being confident in the character of God, His goodness, the kind intention of His will toward me and trusting in Him to accomplish that will in my life.

“…And lean not on your own understanding…”
Sometimes I think—life would be so much easier for me, if I had a five, ten and twenty year plan! If the Lord would just reveal when and where and how my life would play out, I’m thinking there would be peace in my soul. My human intellect says that I must understand my ways, so that I can live correctly. I gotta know the plan! But then again, I don’t think an instant revelation of God’s will would be the healthiest thing for me. Where would be the joy and struggle and formation of my heart through the journey? How would I ever learn to trust God with the unseen?

“In all your ways, acknowledge Him…”
Trust is allowing and welcoming the Lord’s direction is every single area of my life. In all my ways. In everything I do, say, plan, purpose, will, accomplish and live. Trust is acknowledging that I am not the Master. God is the Master Planner of my life. He’s not just a little piece of my life. He directs it all.

“And He will direct your paths.”
The truth about trust is this. God never fails! NEVER! I trust Him with my life, and He will do right by me. God is not a man that He should lie. One of my favorite verses ever is 2 Timothy 2:13, “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.” God’s character is such that it is impossible for Him to be unfaithful. Yes, He WILL direct my paths. I find great comfort in Psalm 23, which speaks the Shepherd’s care for His sheep. There are so many promises of God’s care for me during this chapter... He will provide all I need. He will bring me to a good place. He will protect me; I do not need to fear anything. He will comfort me. He will prepare a place for me. He honors me and blesses me abundantly! And the best part, “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Yes, the Lord will direct my paths into a good place. Even in marriage. His promise is completely trustworthy.

Musings on Singleness: Idolatry

This is always a big thing in the Church. Singles are weeping over their God-given desire for marriage and companionship. And quickly someone will point the finger and say, “Marriage is your idol!” At times, this may be a true statement. It was true for me.

One day, several years ago, the Lord dealt with me personally on this subject. He told me that I was not desiring His coming, because I wanted to get married first. That hurt. Because my misguided hope was sinful at the core. I had elevated a natural desire above what should have been my highest spiritual desire. The Lord’s strong rebuke rang loud and clear in my heart. And I repented for exalting marriage above my love for Christ.

Now I ask myself these questions: Can I honestly say, “Come quickly, Lord Jesus?” Is it my truest and strongest longing—to be with the Lord?

Other revealing questions to ask ourselves:

Do I cry about my lack of marriage, but remain stoic about spiritual things?
Do I constantly feel hopeless about marriage in my life?
Do I consider changing jobs/churches/ministry groups, not because the Lord is leading, but because it would seem easier to get a spouse?
Have I begun to listen to worldly voices regarding how/why/where to find relationships?
Am I obsessed with the thought of marriage?Do I continually create scenarios in my mind of “when I’m married…?”
Have I lowered my standards for a spouse wrongfully?
Have I considered dating unbelievers?
Do I have a wrong ideal of marriage as utopian or paradise? Do I act like marriage will solve all my problems?
Do I love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul and all my might? Do I love Him more than the thought/desire for marriage?

Idolatry is a deceptive sin. Today, let's allow the Lord to shine the light on our hearts. While He created marriage for the good of man and for His own glory, we can twist it for evil. Especially by exalting it above its rightful place. Love and seek God first.

"Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry."
1 Corinthians 10:14

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your might."
Dueteronomy 6:5

Musings on Singleness: The Season

You will notice that I am talking about the season of singleness. In the Word, we see that some have been given the gift of celibacy (or permanent singleness). This is a grace-gift, meaning that the Lord gives supernatural ability for that particular person to live in celibacy. However, the fact is that a vast majority of people will marry. Even more revolutionary concept: I think that is God's will! From the beginning of time, the creation of the human race, God recognized the need for man to have a helpmate. He said, "It is not good for man to be alone." And all the singles said, "Amen!"

With that in mind, I am speaking most directly to people in a season of singleness, yet looking towards marriage. And while some possess the grace-gift of celibacy, we can rejoice in God’s promise of grace to ALL of us.

2 Peter 1:3 declares that “[God’s] divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness…” This includes grace to live victoriously through the season of singleness. What a glorious promise! No matter what the temptations or trials or pressures or decisions, we can stand on the Word of God and remember that God has provided the grace in our time of need.

Think about that, talk about that, meditate about that, and praise God for that grace!! :)

The overwhelming topic of conversations lately seems to be marriage and love and singleness, etc. If it were springtime, I would blame it on that. "In the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." (Tennyson quote) But actually, it is winter. It is not Seasonal Conversational Disorder. :)

I am hearing what is on the hearts of single people—Christian young men and women that sincerely want to please the Lord with their lives, and yet are struggling to silence their emotions long enough to hear from God! And I'm starting to realize how important this is. I’ve seen enough trouble and turmoil and even shipwreck in the faith because of this issue. Why is this so important? Because the single season is where most people mess up their lives. They can’t handle the pressure, or the desires, or the decisions, or the sexual temptations, or whatever, and they just give up/give in and walk away from the Lord. They stumble, fall and don’t get up again. It breaks my heart.

So now I get it. This. is. life-alteringly. important.

Through the exhortation of 1 Corinthians 7:35, it is clear that God has a specific mode of action for us single people. Undistracted devotion to the Lord. There is a right heart attitude and a right life action that is associated with the time & place that the Lord has put us. And as with every other spiritual truth, the enemy has deceptions and challenges placed before us to keep us from running and finishing this race well.

Through the next few days, I want to look at some specific topics that we deal with in the season of singleness. And how to be victorious. I don’t claim to have all the answers or be perfect or be super-strong or any such nonsense. Remember, I'm still single too! I got street cred in this area, for sure! But hopefully, from my honest heart to yours, we can apply Biblical perspective to these things and, hopefully, someone will benefit from these Musings on Singleness.

I’ve been on a blogging sabbatical for the last few days, because the laptop is at the computer doctor. Still there. I have to blog quickly before work. Gah. Anyway, we are praying for a speedy and semi-painless recovery. Poor little thing.

Computer problems are sad because I was planning on rambling about Valentines’ Day for a few posts. Yes, that awful day for singles and ooey-gooey romantic day for couples everywhere. I am just amazed by the variety of reactions caused by this Hallmark holiday. People wanna boycott social events, gorge themselves on chocolate and maybe even contemplate suicide. There is just so much wrong with that. Except maybe a (little) chocolate.

In light of these desperate and depressed typical actions, I will point singles to my Valentines’ Day post from last year…

http://jewelsoftruth.blogspot.com/2008/02/valentines-day.html

And suggest a few ways to get your eyes off of yourself & your so-called “hopeless” single existence.

1. Give Gifts to Others. For years, I have done something for all the single girls in the church. A rose or chocolates or a framed Scripture. Something to encourage and edify and remind them that God has their future in His hands.

2. Consider True Love. Not Hollywood, happily-ever-after love, but the God-kind of love. Agape. The kind of love that compelled Christ to lay down His life for us. The kind of love that we love one another with. One Valentine’s Day, the youth group had a “What Is Love?” banquet. Fun times of getting dressed up, eating great food and talking about God’s definition of love. My suggestion: Read 1 Corinthians 13, and maybe the booklet “If” by Amy Carmichael.

3. Serve Married Couples. By babysitting little children so parents can go out for Valentines’ Day! This is my plan for this Valentines’ Day…. If nothing else, it will give me thankfulness for the benefits of my current season of life… All while sighing over the cuteness of married couples. :)

4. Get Spiritual (Not Carnal)! Gather a group of people together and talk about the Word, worship God and pray. How perfect to remember the greatness of God and the smallness of me. And to get some spiritual edification! This is very good.

As Christians, we are innately different in our perspective than the world. Even—or especially—in times like Valentine’s Day. Our lives do not revolve around whether or not we have found the “perfect” spouse to complete us. We know that Christ Himself has completed us, made us righteous and given us new life. Everything good (including marriage) is just a bonus.

Praises to the perfect, awesome, wonderful Lord of Lords!!!

We're talking about longing for romantic relationships and how we can live in undistracted devotion. Many times in my life, as I've struggled to surrender a desire to the Lord (especially regarding feelings towards a specific guy), I am drawn back to the altar of repentance. The light of God's Word has shone that my life was one of idolatry--exalting myself and my desires before the Lord, or exalting a person before the Lord. Or that I am giving the Lord distracted devotion, rather than what He requires--undistracted devotion. Or that I have acted wrongly towards my guy friends. Or been drawn away from the simplicity of devotion to Christ.

Forgive the prose-ish nature of this poem... I guess that I don't write so well when I'm convicted. And for the record, I never spoke these words to my guy friends. Some discussions are too deep for guy/girl friendships. Better laid as burdens of prayer before the Master. He takes good care of the matters of the heart.

It's all about God
Now I see
It's not about you
Or even my obsessive dreaming.
I'm sorry, my friend
Maybe I've been acting wrongly.
In my attitude and words,
I have been ungodly.
In my pursuit of passion
I forgot that true passion is for God.
In my thoughts of "what might have been"
I ignored the right path of God.
So I am sorry.. really I am.
I'm trying to trust God
And trust in His plan.
I'm trying to pursue God
And not pursue you.
I'm trying to love God
And be a friend to you.
Please forgive me of my complicating mind,
I'll try to ignore it next time.
Because I will be praying and studying and loving and seeking my Lord..
And I know you will be too.

Throughout my walk with Christ, surrendering my longing for a guy/relationship/marriage has been one of the greatest struggles of my life. This is undoubtedly why I am so passionate about Biblical "undistracted devotion" as stated in 1 Corinthians 7. Because I know what it feels like to struggle and surrender and then cling again to my soulish desires. Throughout the years, I have had many 'lightbulb moments' in realizing that my soul was wanting what it wanted---not the spirit pursuing the Spirit of God. Each time, I've heard the voice of God calling me, drawing me, demanding my complete consecration. In the moments of my weakness, the Lord has made His strength real to me. When I am alone and content, there is grace. It is the power of Christ in me and nothing else.

Here is a little glimpse into my past journals through these struggles, weaknesses and victories:

I am content
Just to hear the sound of your breath
On the other side of the phone line
I am content
Just to hear you talk
About anything, anything at all
While I laugh and quietly delight in
Every voice tone and inflection,
I think you're completely unaware
Of the effect of you just being there
Then I think...
Maybe it's wrong
Maybe it's deadly
Maybe somehow
This has made me sickly
Maybe the cords of addiction
Are binding me ever slowly
Maybe dreams of your affection
Have consumed me totally.
But it seems good
And it seems right
Since when did I begin
Walking by my sight?
Where is the fine line
Between longing and obsession?
Why is this so undefined
I'm left to my own guessing.
I hunger after righteousness
And seek the things of God.
But why must you be in my path
And not alongside?
You're so striking
In your innocence
While I am struggling,
Trying to make sense of this...

This is Episode 1... Stay tuned for the resolution! :)