How to Make Enemies & Antagonize People

9:40 PM

Inspired by Real Life:

1. Mock someone's name. This is the cardinal sin. Don't you know that people can't help their names? It was their mama's fault that they're named after a plane or a famous person that committed suicide or an inanimate object, etc.

2. Comment on their food choices. Just because they like weird food that you find disgusting, does not give you the right to express your disgust.

3. Ignore them. "Is that a buzzing noise I hear?"

4. Talk about yourself. Constantly. Incessantly. You find yourself fascinating. That's understandable. But rolling eyes, giving standard un-interested answers, nodding your head while checking the time during someone else's conversation about themselves is just not cool.

5. Laugh at them. Nobody-NOBODY- likes to be laughed at. Unless they're a comedian. And even then, sometimes they need therapy.

6. Give commands/direct orders. Unless it is your dog, refrain from "Sit. Stay. Shake."

Don't try this at home. Or work. Or anywhere else. I refuse to be held responsible when you are tarred and feathered. 'Cause ya know, people are sensitive. :)

*In case you missed this, I am parodying the book "How to Win Friends & Influence People." This is a joke.

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